


Starting Over Always Sounded So Much Better

by snnycarisi



Series: trans!sonny [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Bottom Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Coming Out, Developing Relationship, First Dates, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Past Abuse, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Smut, Top Rafael Barba, Trans Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-05-02 13:08:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19199470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snnycarisi/pseuds/snnycarisi
Summary: Rafael’s hands moved to the front of the detective’s shirt, and began to fiddle with the top button- Sonny froze.In a moment, Rafael would see the long horizontal scars that resided underneath his pectoral muscles. If things went further, he would see that the bulge inside Sonny’s trousers was made of soft plastic and not flesh.





	Starting Over Always Sounded So Much Better

**Author's Note:**

> title from 'everything I own' by the front bottoms
> 
> this is the first time I've written smut and it's un-betaed so if it's bad or there are mistakes I'm sorry lmao

Sonny had no idea how they had gotten here. A few minutes ago, he had been going over case files with Rafael- now the older man, propped up against his desk, had his legs wrapped around Sonny’s hips while they made out like teenagers. Rafael ran his hands almost desperately up and down Sonny’s back, sending shivers down the detective’s spine. It was everything he had wanted since the moment he laid eyes on the ADA, as cliche as that sounded, and nothing made Sonny happier than to know his feelings were reciprocated. Rafael’s lips then wandered down to Sonny’s jaw, soft against the scratchy stubble that had begun to develop there. He kissed down Sonny’s neck, occasionally sucking the tender skin, eliciting a breathy sigh from the younger man. Sonny’s fingers dug into Rafael’s thighs hard enough to bruise, and pulled him even closer than before, leaning his head back to give Rafael better access to his neck. Suddenly, Rafael’s hands moved to the front of the detective’s shirt, and began to fiddle with the top button- Sonny froze.

 

In a moment, Rafael would see the long horizontal scars that resided underneath his pectoral muscles. If things went further, he would see that the bulge inside Sonny’s trousers was made of soft plastic and not flesh. 

 

The last time Sonny had waited for a man to be inside his pants before coming out, he had nearly died. The man- his name was Robert- had been a friend from the academy, and Sonny had really enjoyed his company. They had been on a few dates before, but the right time to come out had not arisen until the pair were in Sonny’s bed together, which, in hindsight, was not the best judgement on Sonny’s part. Robert seemed like a nice guy, Sonny was sure he wouldn’t react badly so, stupidly, he let Robert remove his jeans, and then boxers. 

 

To say he reacted badly was an understatement.

 

“What the fuck? I thought you were a guy!” He spat, physically recoiling away from Sonny.

 

“Sonny, I’m gay, I’m not interested in women- or whatever you are- so don’t ever call me again or you will regret it, okay?” Still naked from the waist down, Sonny had never felt more exposed, more humiliated, more terrified in his life. 

 

Robert collected his clothes and stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him, leaving Sonny more alone than he had felt in a long time. 

 

It took months for Sonny to be able to date again, and he still struggled with being with men, if he was honest. He knew Rafael was different, that he would never hurt Sonny and probably wouldn’t care. But he had also thought Robert wouldn’t have cared. 

 

“Sonny, are you okay? Did I do something wrong?” Rafael cupped his cheek and slowly untangled himself from the younger man. Sonny must have spaced out for a little too long, he guessed. He was conflicted- he so badly wanted Rafael but the thought of sleeping with him then and there did not seem like an option in his head.

 

“No, you’re fine. But I think we’re moving too fast- I like you Rafael and I don’t want this to be a one time thing,” Rafael’s face softened with relief, solidifying Sonny’s faith that things could work out between them. 

 

“Go out with me then. You chose the place and we’ll do this right.” Rafael smiled softly, and let the hand touching Sonny’s face drop to his side. 

 

Smoothing down his shirt and running a hand through his ruffled hair, Sonny nodded and moved towards the door.

 

“I’ll text you, okay?” He asked somewhat tentatively standing in the doorway. Rafael just smiled even wider and nodded.

 

\---

 

The next Saturday, Rafael met Sonny at a small cafe for brunch. It was quaint and fairly intimate without being overtly romantic- Sonny had chosen well. He had decided he would come out to Rafael on their first date, it was important to him that he got it over with as soon as possible so even if it ended with rejection, his heart would be shielded slightly. He knew Rafael wouldn’t care, but part of him was still terrified this would end badly. 

 

Sitting across from each other in a booth, Sonny knew he looked far more shy than usual, he just hoped he could chalk it up to first date nerves. 

 

They talked about movies and music and found they really had a lot of common interests. It was just so easy to talk to Rafael, Sonny thought he could stay there forever. By the time their food arrived (waffles for Sonny and eggs benedict for Rafael) Rafael was throwing his head back laughing at Sonny’s anecdote about the mischief he got up to as a kid. Sonny was in awe of how much more he liked this version of Rafael- still witty and poised but far more laid back. Now feeling more comfortable around the older man, Sonny decided to dance around the topic of his identity.

 

“I love my family, as you can probably tell,” Rafael chuckled. “I went through a lot as a kid, and I put them through a lot but they’ve always been there for me y’know? I don’t know what I would do without them.”

 

“I get that. Coming out in the environment I grew up in was not exactly easy and I’m still grateful for my abuelita taking me in and helping me through it, even though she didn’t really understand what bisexuality was.” His honesty shocked Sonny a bit, still not used to a non-professional Rafael. However, it did open the door for Sonny to now talk about his own coming out process. The reality of what he was about to do settled in and Sonny had to make an effort to keep his breathing under control. He was having an incredible time- it was probably the best first date he had ever been on- and the idea of screwing it up made him want to throw up. But he had to do it sometime, it was better now than later. It was better for it to be over before it started than to end in heartbreak.

 

“Rafael, I gotta tell you something and I need you to please try and not let it scare you off,” Sensing the change in mood, Rafael took Sonny’s hand from across the table and gave him an encouraging smile. “I haven’t really told anyone- not in a while at least and I just hope it doesn’t make you think any less of me because I really want whatever this is between us to work out and-”

 

“Sonny, you’re rambling. Whatever it is, I promise not to judge you, okay?”

 

Sonny sucked in a deep breath; it was now or never. “I, uh, I wasn’t born as a man. I’m transgender.” 

 

Rafael was quiet for a moment, which made Sonny start to panic. He really had thought this would go down well and began kicking himself for being so naive. Obviously Rafael wouldn’t want him now- who would?

 

“Thank you for trusting me with that Sonny, I really appreciate it,” He started, slightly hesitantly, like he was worried whatever he said would upset the younger man. “And I would never think any less of you for being who you are- did you really think this would make me stop trying to be with you?” Rafael looked so open, so earnest it frightened Sonny a bit.

 

He shrugged. “Not really, but I’ve had some bad experiences in the past.”

 

Sadness came across Rafael’s face, like the idea of anyone hurting Sonny was a little too much for him to fathom, which was rather endearing. He then leaned in from across the table, and took Sonny’s face into his hands, kissing him softly.

 

“Anyone who would let that stop them from getting to know you is a damn fool in my books,” Rafael stroked his thumb across Sonny’s cheekbone and forced him to keep eye contact.  “And you  _ know  _ how smart I am.” Throwing Rafael a shy smile, Sonny went back to his waffles and pushed down the urge to cry.

 

Rafael was so good to him- they hadn’t even gotten through the first date and already Sonny knew this man was far out of his league. A harvard graduate, who just happened to be one of the best prosecutors in the country (in Sonny’s opinion at least) and was heart-stoppingly gorgeous- how the hell did someone like that end up with the Fordham student from Staten Island? Anyhow, Sonny wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth, and smiled to himself as their conversation went back to an argument over which Star Wars film was the best (Sonny believed it was Return of the Jedi whereas Rafael claimed he preferred A New Hope- in reality he didn’t care, he just enjoyed how passionate Sonny was when arguing the topic).

 

When their meal was finished and paid for, Sonny honestly wished he had eaten slower. All he wanted to do was be close to Rafael and if that meant following him around like a lost puppy while refusing to go home, that was okay with him. 

 

Rafael seemingly had the same thought, and a mischievous look came over his face as he dragged Sonny out of the cafe.

“What do you say we go back to my place and finish what we started the other day?”

 

Sonny immediately felt himself go giddy, and nodded enthusiastically while Rafael hailed a cab.

 

The tension that had sat between them since the day in Rafael’s office hit them both like a truck the second they were comfortably behind closed doors. Wasting no time, Rafael grabbed Sonny’s hand and led him to the bedroom. Rafael threw him down onto the bed and quickly removed his own shirt before stradling Sonny.

 

“Promise me that if I do anything that makes you uncomfortable, you’ll tell me straight away- even if you think it’s stupid, please tell me, okay?” Rafael’s quiet intensity grabbed at Sonny and he knew the older man really meant what he said. 

 

“Okay.”

 

Rafael seemed satisfied with that answer, and went to work opening the detective’s shirt. When his chest was exposed and his scars were visible Sonny wanted to melt away into the ground. Rafael, sensing his discomfort, leaned forward and captured his lips instead. So much warmth and affection seeped into the kiss, Sonny felt he could pass out. For someone who put as much effort into appearing scary as Rafael did, Sonny had not suspected he would be this tender, but that only excited him more. Sonny deepened the kiss, licking into Rafael’s mouth, who moaned in response. 

 

Rafael began lightly running his fingertips over Sonny’s exposed torso, drinking in the feeling of the smooth, milky skin. Sonny was so content, every second with Rafael was like ascending. He felt so wanted, so  _ needed  _ it made his heart sing. Biting at Sonny’s bottom lip, Rafael broke away and kissed a trail down Sonny’s long neck, stopping at his collarbone to suck a bruise onto the thin flesh. Overwhelmed with feeling, Sonny rolled his hips up to meet Rafael’s. Although he was enjoying how gentle the older man was being, Sonny just needed to get off. 

 

Rafael chuckled. He nuzzled into Sonny’s jaw and nibbled at his earlobe, whispering, “So desperate baby- be patient, I wanna take my time with you.”

 

Sonny shuddered, want pooling in his stomach as Rafael went back to kissing and biting his collarbone. He stopped then, and began tracing Sonny’s scars with his fingertips slightly hesitantly. 

 

“Is this okay? Can I touch?” 

 

Sonny nodded eagerly. “God, please.”

 

Smirking, Rafael licked across both scars in one broad stroke. Sonny couldn’t take it- he grabbed at Rafael’s hips and grinded against them, desperate for the friction. Mouth travelling from the stretch of scars to suck on his nipple, Rafael rolled his eyes back to meet Sonny’s. His lips swollen and pupils blown, Sonny thought that sight deserved to be in an art gallery. He could have died then and there and been happy just to have seen how turned on Rafael looked. 

 

Groaning deeply, Sonny fumbled with Rafael’s belt, no strength left in him. Rafael seemed to get the message and stood up, removing his own trousers before kneeling between Sonny’s legs, one hand on the younger man’s belt buckle. 

 

“I mean it when I say I want you to stop me if you get uncomfortable,” Rafael was so kind, so considerate of Sonny’s feelings and cautious of causing any dysphoria that Sonny almost wanted to cry. He’d never been with anyone like this- Rafael seemed to care more about making Sonny feel safe and comfortable than getting himself off. It was endearing, but also getting somewhat annoying. 

 

“God, Rafael, I promise you’re not gonna make me uncomfortable,  _ please  _ just touch me.” 

 

Rafael nodded, and undid Sonny’s belt painfully slowly. At this point, Sonny was sure he was enjoying seeing the detective squirm. Finally, the belt was thrown aside and Rafael began lightly palming Sonny’s crotch through his trousers. Sonny thanked every god he could think of that he hadn’t been packing that day and reveled in the feeling of Rafael’s hands on him. 

 

“Fuck, take them off Rafi,” Sonny whined, rocking his hips into Rafael’s hand. 

 

“Patience is a virtue, baby boy.” A cocky smile plastered to Rafael’s face, he stroked Sonny’s inner thigh with one hand, the other still firmly in place over his crotch while the other man rutted against it. “Are you gonna be good for me, Sonny?” 

 

“Yes! Please, Raf, I’ll be so good for you.” Sonny choked out. 

 

In one swift motion, Rafael pulled both Sonny’s trousers and boxers down to his knees and then threw them into a corner of the room. Sonny now lay completely naked on the bed, feeling as if his entire soul was exposed. For a moment, Rafael just looked at him- Sonny couldn’t read his expression but the rising anxiety in his chest told him that he was being judged. Clearly, Rafael hadn’t known what he was getting into when he asked to take Sonny home, obviously he was regretting it now seeing who Sonny  _ really  _ was, of course, he couldn’t deal with it-

 

“Sonny- Jesus Christ- you’re fucking gorgeous cariño.” Rafael ran his hands over Sonny’s naked thighs, up to his ass and gave a small squeeze. He then ran them over his stomach, chest and up his neck, resting on his cheeks. Green eyes locked with blue and Sonny once again felt the intensity of the older man’s gaze. 

 

Still not one hundred percent convinced Rafael was not about to curse at him and then abandon him, Sonny pulled him down by the back of the neck into a passionate, but sloppy kiss. Playing with the light, feather-soft hairs on the back of Rafael’s neck, Sonny thought he could get used to memorising the older lawyer’s body. The idea of being here, in his bed, more times after this filled him with excitement- Sonny never wanted to leave. 

 

“Tell me what you want, baby boy.” Rafael murmured into Sonny’s mouth. 

 

“I want you to suck me off.” This was clearly exactly what Rafael wanted to hear. All playful arrogance dissipated and he practically leapt towards Sonny’s crotch. Sonny spread his legs, keeping the bottom of his feet planted firmly to the bed to give Rafael better access. 

 

Before he had time to mentally prepare himself, Rafael had one cold finger inside of him. Sonny clamped his eyes shut and moaned loudly as Rafael slid another one in and began to find a rhythm as he thrust his fingers in and out. With his other hand, Rafael continued to explore the detective’s body, wanting to touch every inch of bare skin he could find. 

 

“So wet for me, baby- how long have you wanted my fingers inside you?” Rafael curled his fingers upwards, hitting Sonny’s g-spot and making him whimper and buck his hips up to meet the older man’s hand. 

 

“So long, Rafi- fuck- as soon I saw you walk into the squad room I’ve wanted to be here,” He cried, reaching out to grip Rafael’s shoulders. A softness came over Rafael’s expression, like he shared the same sentiment and was just as happy to be where they were. 

 

“Me too. Couldn’t help thinking’ about what those long, beautiful legs of yours would feel like wrapped around my head.” Rafael grinned at Sonny, before leaning down and taking his clit into his mouth. Sonny hissed at the sudden wet heat and it took everything in him not to come. 

 

Sonny became a writhing mess while Rafael lapped at his clit, still fucking into him with his fingers. Feeling his orgasm building, he grabbed at Rafael’s hair, encouraging him to pick up his pace. Rafael once again rolled his eyes up to meet Sonny’s. His pupils were so dilated, there was barely any green left surrounding them- this only made Sonny’s grip in his hair tighter and his groans louder.

 

The orgasm hit Sonny like a bus. Letting out a guttural groan, he rolled his hips frantically, meeting the thrusts from Rafael’s fingers while Rafael sucked hard on his clit. For a moment, he was sure he was going to black out. 

 

When he had come down, Rafael removed his fingers and popped them into his mouth, sucking the come off of them- it almost made Sonny want to go another round. Then Sonny noticed how Rafael, still in his boxers, was rock hard and precome leaked through the thin material. Sonny immediately felt terrible for all the time he had spent thinking about getting himself off, ignoring Rafael’s needs. 

 

Sonny sat up lazy, head still fuzzy from his orgasm, and reached for the band of Rafael’s underwear but Rafael just pushed him back onto the bed and climbed back on top of him. Tugging at the back of his neck, Sonny kissed the older man somewhat lazily while snaking a hand into his underwear. 

 

Rafael’s cock pulsed under Sonny’s touch- he could tell he would not last long. Bucking into Sonny’s hand, Rafael threw his head back and cursed under his breath. After a few more pumps, hot streaks of come splatered across Sonny’s chest and stomach.

 

Planting a lazy kiss to Sonny’s forehead, Rafael stood up and left the room- Sonny was too exhausted to ask where he was going- and returned a few minutes later with a washcloth and a bowl of warm water.

 

When both men were adequately cleaned up, Rafael threw back the covers of his bed and climbed in, despite it being just past three in the afternoon, and opened his arms for Sonny to join. It wasn’t that he didn’t  _ want  _ to spend his afternoon in bed with Rafael, but he couldn’t help the nagging feeling of being exposed that sat inside his chest. 

 

“There are shorts in the top drawer on the left you can borrow if you want,” Already Rafael could read him like a book. Sonny smiled sheepishly and pulled a pair of shorts out of the drawer then slipped them on, climbing into the warmth of Rafael’s arms. Nuzzling into Rafael’s hair, he breathed in the scent of sex and expensive cologne.

 

“Do you plan on keeping me here all afternoon?” Sonny muttered, already half asleep. 

 

Rafael hummed contemplatively. “I think I’m planning on keeping you here forever.”

 

Grinning into Rafael’s hair, Sonny couldn’t help but giggle. If that was the plan, he sure as hell was not opposed. 

**Author's Note:**

> comments are appreciated!
> 
> I'm on twitter at @snnycarisi !!


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